Bury The Pain
by MxJasper
Summary: Riku is a young mortician who is struggling with the recent death of his fiance, Kairi. He starts up an odd relationship with his friend Paine, but when things get complicated, Riku has to decide. Will he make the choice to bury his pain? Or will he mourn his lost love forever? Pairing: Riku x Paine, and implied RiKai.
1. Bury The Pain: Chapter 1

Wow, this is the first fan fiction I have published on this site since I was younger. First of all, thank you for taking the time to read this. I appreciate it.

I would like to put up a few disclaimers before hand. First of all, I do _not_ own any rights to the Kingdom Hearts franchise, just the games that have been created. Second of all, this fan fiction _is_ about Riku as a mortician, so that means there will be talks about death. A lot. If you are sensitive about that subject, I would advise reading with caution. Third of all, this story will contain some coarse language (nothing too bad), and references (non-explicit) to sex, so if you are sensitive about _that_ content, proceed with caution. Other than that, please enjoy. Thanks again for taking the time to read this story, and any praise and/or constructive criticism is not only welcome, but highly encouraged.

P.S. I have read, re-read, and re-re-read this story to correct any typos that have occurred, but I am not perfect. If you spot any typos at all, please let me know, and I will fix them as soon as possible.

* * *

Chapter 1: Of Sleeping with Friends and Funeral Homes

Riku ruffled the bath towel over his head, drying his longish silver hair as he stepped out of his apartment's bathroom. The dark gray, button-down shirt he intended to wear was slung over his left shoulder, but he had already put on his dark jeans, which were held up by a black belt.

"You got another call?"

Riku's aquamarine eyes darted over to his bed. A woman with disheveled, ashen hair and red eyes sat on the side, holding the sheets up to cover her naked body. Her name was Paine. She was a good friend of Riku's.

"Yeah..." Riku sighed. He took his shirt off of his shoulder and put it on, quickly buttoning it up. He said, "it's the life of a mortician. I'm on call twenty-four hours a day." Paine nodded.

"Who is it this time? If you don't mind me asking," Paine stretched out on the bed, laying on her stomach. It was apparent that she was not ready to start the day.

"Someone's daughter. A little girl. I have to go to the hospital to pick up her body," Riku went over to his dresser and opened a drawer. He pulled out a pair of socks and put them on as well.

"Are you sure you're up for it? You were pretty wasted last night," Paine watched as Riku moved around his bedroom, slipping on a pair of shoes and grabbing his wallet and keys off of the night stand.

"Yeah, I'm fine...I took an aspirin," Riku grabbed his phone and put it in his pocket, "hey...can I bum a couple of smokes?"

"Take the case. I don't mind," Paine shrugged. She then yawned and stretched.

"So, when do you want me out of here?"

"You can stay," Riku said as he fished Paine's metal cigarette case and lighter out of her jeans, "you should probably get some more sleep, since I kept you up all night."

"Don't mind if I do," Paine smirked, "how long do you think you'll be out today? I can pick up dinner or something if I end up sleeping really late."

"Sounds good," Riku checked to make sure he had everything, "alright, I'm out of here. See you later?" He picked up his work bag that was placed by the doorway. Could not forget that.

"Yeah. I'll probably stop by my place to get some clothes and come back," Paine nodded, brushing her bangs out of her face.

"Spare key is on the counter."

"Okay...Riku?"

"Yeah?"

"...Are you gonna be okay today?"

Riku looked over at his friend. She stared back nonchalantly, patiently waiting for an answer. Her face neither held a hint of judgment, nor pity. Though she was expressionless, he knew she was concerned about him. He sighed again and lowered his gaze. He wanted to say 'no', he really did. He wanted nothing more than to crawl back into his bed and sleep the day away, but he could not. He had a life to live. Too bad he had given up on living it months ago.

"...Yeah. Don't worry about me," He flashed her a quick smile, "See you when I get back."

"Yep."

Riku walked out of his bedroom, leaving Paine to sleep. He locked his apartment door before making his way down to the residents' garage. He got to his car and unlocked it, getting inside and closing the door. He hesitated to start the vehicle as a thought popped into his head.

They had gone through with it.

He and Paine had sex yet again.

It was becoming a semi-normal thing now. He would call her up and ask her to go out to Dream Eater with him. They would get there, chat up Shiki the bartender, get completely drunk, then go back to Riku's apartment and lock themselves in his bedroom, not emerging until the morning or until Riku got a call to go into work. He was unsure how it started. One night, he made a move on her and it just...happened. Now, it was almost a surety every time they drank together. Her brother Leon, Riku's friend, was aware of their little situation. He was not too happy about it, but he did not officially object to their affair. Leon knew why Paine and he were doing this. All of his friends knew. It was just another way to cope.

Just another way to try and forget about...her.

Riku gripped the steering wheel and rested his forehead on the backs of his hands. Just the fleeting thought of her filled his heart with agony. It had been three months, and he was still not over the death of his fiance'. He could still remember the accident. The car speeding through the intersection even though it was a red light, and practically running Kairi over in the cross walk. He remembered her whispering 'I love you' to him as he held her, waiting on the ambulance to take her to the hospital. He remembered her passing away in his arms at the hospital when they had to take her off of life support but a week afterwards. He remembered everything. How he wished he could just forget.

Yet he could not forget. Her memory was the only thing he had left of her. He had moved out of the apartment they shared together. He gave Kairi's younger sister Namine' all of her possessions after the funeral. The times they shared together and the pain of knowing he would never hear her voice, see her face, or touch her skin again was his only connection to her. She was gone, and she was not coming back. A single tear welled up, and slipped down his cheek.

What a great fucking way to start the day.

* * *

Riku put his cigarette to his lips, sucking on the butt of it to inhale the smoke. He needed it. Today's cadaver was a rough one to deal with. Children were never easy. After he arrived at Hikari hospital to pick up the deceased, he met with the family of the young girl. He had learned that she was a cancer patient, and had been battling the disease for years. Finally, her body just gave out, and she passed away the night before. She was only ten years of age. The family was understandably distraught. Riku consoled them, and gently discussed with them preparation of the body and funeral plans. They wanted her to be buried within the next twenty-four to forty-eight hours. The whole time Riku was with the family, he was compassionate and sympathetic. His heart went out to them. Afterwards, Riku transported the body to Heath & Halloway, the funeral home he worked at. After making some calls and preparing the body for embalming, he went out to the back of the building for a smoke break. He really had to be careful. If he did not watch himself, before he knew it he would become a chain smoker.

Many questioned why Riku decided to receive a degree in mortuary science after he graduated from high school. Everyone had it in their heads that he would go on to become a savvy businessman, a lawyer, or maybe even a blitzball star, since he was such a good athlete. However, those were not the paths he wanted to take. He was not interested in making a ton of money, he did not like confrontation, and the life of a famous blitzball player was utterly unappealing. He wanted his life to mean something, and he felt that this path could provide some sense of satisfaction for him. Yet, when he first announced to his friends that he wanted to become a mortician, they kind of freaked out.

"You wanna be around _dead people_!?" Yuffie practically screamed. He could still picture the black haired girl's horrified expression. It was not easy pursuing his career path. Other students at his college often shunned him because of his chosen profession, so most of the time, save for when he was with Sora, his best friend, and Kairi, he was forced to hang out with other mortuary science students. The program was stressful. It was also draining, mentally and emotionally. Not everyone he started the program with ending up graduating with him. Yet, he persevered.

It may have sounded weird, but he found the job fulfilling. He was the person that would be there to ease the hurt of grieving loved ones in their hour of despair. He was able to provide comfort and closure, even a shoulder to cry on from time to time. He did not regret his choice of career.

Yet, it still got to him whenever he would have to deal with a dead child. A life so full of promise and potential cut short, often by completely unfair circumstances. Whenever he had to embalm a child, he had to work extra hard to desensitize himself. Most days he would be able to work through it, but today was just awful.

Maybe it was because the deceased girl reminded him of a younger Kairi. She really did look like her. Her hair was red and reached her shoulders. He peaked at her eyes when he got the chance and saw that they were a similar color to his fiance's. Her skin was a similar tone to Kairi's. And her face held that same air of innocence. Looking at that young girl on the cold, metal table filled his heart with grief.

 _I am losing it..._ Riku thought. He took a another drag on his cigarette. Today was just not a good day for him.

"Riku!"

He looked up and saw a spiky-haired brunet, and a spiky-haired red head walking towards him. The two were Sora, and Riku's other friend, Lea (who also liked to be called Axel).

"Sora, Lea...what are you doing here?" Riku pushed off of the wall he was leaning against. He took one last puff on his cigarette before throwing it on the ground, stubbing it out with his heel.

"I called Paine earlier since you weren't answering your phone, and she said you had gone in to work. So we decided to bring you lunch!" Sora grinned and held up a paper bag. The smell coming from it was intoxicating.

"I bet you haven't eaten since you woke up this morning," Lea smirked.

"Fuck no," Riku said, "All I managed to snag all day was a coffee. Thank you so much," He took the bag from his best friend.

"Are you both off today?"

"Well, I don't know about Lea, but I am," Sora smiled, "I worked a twelve hour shift at my hospital last night. I actually just woke up not too long ago." He grinned sheepishly, scratching back of his neck.

"I hear ya...Paine and I were up until three this morning. When I left she was going back to sleep," Riku opened the paper bag and pulled out a box, taking a peek inside. Teriyaki veggie burger. Hell. Yes.

"Oh really? And what were you two up to at three a.m.?" Lea wriggled his eyebrows suggestively.

"You already know, so don't ask," Riku rolled his eyes. Lea always wanted to know the details of his sexual escapades. Pervert.

"You and Paine have been hanging out a lot lately," Sora tapped his chin in thought, "are you _sure_ there's nothing going on between you two?"

"I'm sure, Sora," Riku said, "look...I don't even know what to call this thing between me and Paine. We're certainly not dating, but...I don't know. She's okay with it though, that's the only reason it's continued this long."

"You know Leon's not too happy about it," Lea crossed his arms, leaning against the back wall of the funeral home, "being the overprotective brother and all. I think that he thinks you're using Paine."

"Maybe you should talk to him about it, explain what's going on with you two," Sora said.

"I would if I could," Riku shrugged, "he knows why we're doing what we're doing. You all do."

Sora's and Lea's faces fell at the comment. Boy, did they know.

"I still miss her..." Sora spoke softly, his azure eyes looking down at the ground. Riku sighed. He did not have to say a name for Riku to know who he was talking about.

"You and me both," He said. He patted Sora on the head, ruffling his unruly hair.

"Y'know, when you first started partying and drinking and sleeping around after Kairi's...y'know, death, I thought you had already gotten over her," Lea lightly punched Riku in the shoulder, "it kind of pissed me off at first, to tell you the truth."

"I know...it's just...how I'm coping right now." Riku gave him a lopsided smile.

"Be careful, man. You don't want your "coping" to start interfering with your job," Lea nodded, imitating a sage-like air.

"We're here for you, you know that right? You don't have to suffer in silence." Sora said, looking concerned. Riku gave him a small smile and nodded.

"Thanks."

"So, what are you planning to do after you wrap up here?" Lea asked.

"Head home. If Paine's still there, I anticipate that she got us dinner," Riku shrugged, "then I was just gonna go to sleep. I'm really tired."

"That's your own fault for staying up so late," Sora raised an eyebrow.

"I know, I know...I won't be going home for another few hours. I still have to submit paperwork to request a death certificate for the new body, and start making arrangements for the actual funeral."

"Who is it this time?"

"...It was a young girl. Cancer patient."

"Well...shit. That sucks," A sad look came on to Lea's face, "how's the family holding up?"

"They're devastated, of course," Riku looked down, thinking. It was not too long ago that he was in their position, helping to prepare a final departure for a loved one. He wondered how long they would grieve, and in what way. Would the mother shut herself in her room, like he had done for the first two weeks after Kairi's death? Would the father spend his days drinking the pain away, as he himself had been doing? Would they end up fighting with each other, as he had done with his parents when they first found out about his "coping" methods?

"They'll get through it, as long as they're there for each other," Sora said, a kind smile on his lips.

"...Sure thing," Riku smiled back, "Alright, well I'm gonna take this food inside. I only have a little bit of time left before I have to get back to work. Thanks again for bringing it."

"Anytime, Riku," Sora nodded, "I guess we'll go now. Call me when you get off your shift if it's not too late."

"Will do," Riku saluted his best friend.

"Alright, see ya later," Lea gave him a quick hug, before he and Sora walked off. As soon as they got in Sora's car and drove off, the smile that Riku had on his face disappeared. He rubbed his temples and sighed again. He felt a headache coming on.

He just wanted this day to be over.

* * *

To be continued.


	2. Bury The Pain: Chapter 2

Chapter 2: Of Suicidal Thoughts and Making Promises

* * *

It was night by the time Riku got back to his apartment, and he was exhausted. He had to practically put an entire funeral together in one day, as well as embalm the body of the young girl. Now he was about ready to collapse. He unlocked his front door and stepped inside the one bedroom apartment.

"I'm back," he said, dropping his work bag on the floor. He spotted Paine on the couch. She wore a black tee shirt of a heavy metal band and black short-shorts. She was busy working on a digital painting.

"Hey," Paine said, only half paying attention to him, "how was work?"

"...Could have been better, could have been worse," he shrugged and placed his keys, phone, and wallet on the island that separated the kitchen from the rest of the apartment. He did not want to talk about it, especially not about the dead girl who looked like Kairi.

"I brought back veggie pizza. It's in the fridge."

"Thanks," Riku took the pizza box out of the fridge, and prepared his food. A few minutes later, he put his pizza on a plate and went to sit next to Paine on the couch.

"What are you working on?" He asked as he took a bite of his food.

"A new print for my funders," Paine replied, "it's a part of this month's rewards." Paine was an artist, and a very successful one at that. She was able to make a very good living due to the site ArtFund, where "funders" would pledge money every month to receive rewards and exclusive content from her. She deserved it. Paine was the best artist Riku had ever seen, and she worked hard over the years to get her skills recognized.

"I see."

"I hope you don't mind. I brought some of my stuff over to stay another night. Figured you could use the company."

"...I'd like that. Thanks," Riku smiled at her, and she smiled back, "I won't be up much longer, though. I'm burned out, to tell you the truth."

"Work was that intense, huh?"

"Yeah..." Riku set his plate on the coffee table and relaxed into the couch, "that, and the lack of good sleep from the past two weeks is finally getting to me."

"I'll bet."

They were quiet for a few minutes as Riku watched Paine work. She was painting a picture of a popular female video game character, Princess Ai.

"...Something triggered you at work...didn't it?" Paine said after another minute of silence.

"Triggered?"

"Something reminded you of Kairi...that's why you had a tough time today?"

"..."

Damn it, how did Paine always know? Was she clairvoyant? Riku was silent, trying to think of something to say. Eventually he gave up and nodded.

"...The little girl...shereminded me of her."

"How? Did she look like her or something?"

"Yeah...she was almost the spitting image of a younger Kairi..." Riku rested his head back, looking up at the ceiling. Lives full of promise and potential, snatched away without a moment's notice...

"Hmm..." Paine set her tablet and digital pen down on the coffee table and turned to face Riku, "I was thinking...maybe you should look into seeing a grief counselor, or a therapist."

Riku did not respond right away. He let Paine's words sink in. A grief counselor...

"...no," Riku shook his head, "I don't need one."

He lied. He probably did need to see someone to help him work through his emotions, but...the thought of spilling his heart out to a stranger and facing up to everything was just too much to bear right now. Paine said nothing, and he glanced over at her. He inwardly winced at the knowing look on her face. She was not easily fooled, he should have known that by now. However, she must have somehow sensed that he was reluctant to discuss the issue any further, so she just patted him on the shoulder in a comforting way.

"Eat your pizza."

Riku nodded and picked up his plate, resuming the consumption of his food. Paine picked up her tablet and went back to drawing.

"I can take the couch tonight, if you want to sleep in my room," Riku said after a few more minutes of quiet.

"Y'know, Riku...you've seen me naked several times. You don't have to feel squeamish about us sharing a bed."

"I know, but...all the times we've slept in my bed, we were drunk...and plus, we had sex first."

"Wanna have sex now? Then maybe you won't be so strange about it," Paine looked over at him. Riku chuckled.

"That was a good one," he said. He looked over at her and saw that she was not laughing.

"...wait. You're serious?"

Paine just shrugged. Riku looked down, thinking. Hmm...sex with a hot friend, or sleeping on the couch. Riku was so tempted. So, so, so _very_ tempted, but...they had never been sober before when "bumping the uglies". If he went through with it...would it be weird? Wait, why was he even worrying about this? His said hot friend was clearly consenting to dancing the horizontal tango. He was stressed, and needed to relax. Sex was a great stress reliever for him. Plus, an orgasm was always a good way to fall asleep quickly. Why was he even questioning this? Was he an idiot?

"...let me take a shower first," he said, "I probably smell like embalming fluid."

"Then why don't we just do it in the shower?"

"Damn it, woman, you're torturing me," he pursed his lips. However, he got up, gesturing Paine to follow him, and they quickly made their way through the bedroom to the bathroom, practically throwing their clothes off along the way.

o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o

Riku hated his phone right now.

He had only been asleep for a few hours when it had started ringing. He groaned, burying himself under his covers. Maybe if he ignored it, a hole would open up from the seventh level of hell and swallow his phone, returning the evil device to the place it belonged. The phone went silent for a moment, then started to ring again. No, it was not to be.

"You gonna answer that...?" Paine's voice slightly startled him. She sounded a little irritated. Damn you, evil phone, why do you hate it when people sleep?

"Yeah...sorry," Riku sighed and threw the covers off of his upper body. He sat up and reached over Paine to retrieve his phone, and sighed again when he saw who was calling. He pressed the 'talk' button and put the phone to his ear.

"Hey, Braig..."

"It's about damn time you answered. I was beginning to think you were ignoring me," the voice on the other end mocked a hurt tone.

"I was sleeping..." Riku flopped back down onto the bed, "what do you want?"

"I need you to come in to work again."

"...who's the stiff?"

"A teenager. The medical examiner just finished the autopsy."

Riku groaned. "Posted" cases (after autopsy) were so much harder to embalm. He was in for another challenge, and many more hours of work. Oh well.

"The family needs the body to be picked up. You know the drill."

"Tifa or Sephiroth can't go in?"

"Tifa's on maternity leave, remember? And Seph is already dealing with two others tonight. A double murder."

"Damn..." A double murder. That would be keeping Sephiroth up for a couple days.

"...alright. I'll be right there. What hospital?"

"Same one as earlier today."

"Okay...see you later," Riku hung up his phone, and closed his eyes momentarily. The expiration of a teenager. What was with the deaths of minors today? He glanced at his phone's screen. It was ten minutes to midnight. He felt Paine shift on the bed. He looked over and could make out the outline of her face.

"Another body?"

"Yeah...I gotta go..." Riku sat up again and reached over Paine once more to turn on his lamp, "you gonna be here when I get back?" He looked down at her.

"I might not be...I have to go home and finish my drawing tomorrow. Then I was going to hang out with Yuna and Rikku."

Riku felt slightly disappointed, but he did not let that show on his face. He could not expect Paine to be around to cheer him up all the time.

"Okay...well, I gotta get ready."

"Don't work too hard..."

"I'll try."

o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o

It did not take Riku long to get ready. He took another quick shower, threw on another button-down shirt and a pair of pants, slipped on his shoes, grabbed everything he needed for work, and was out of the door. He went to the funeral home, then the hospital, and talked to the family. It turned out that the teenager, a young man, had been depressed for a while, but the family was unaware of how bad it had gotten until it was too late. He had committed suicide. Riku talked to them about what they wanted for the body, and what they wanted for any possible services. Like the last family, they wanted their child to be buried. However, they wanted to have the funeral scheduled for the end of the week. Riku took it all in stride, abating their worries and assuring them that their loved one was in good hands. He was officially in work mode. His schedule just got that much more busy, and he could not afford a slip up. Everything had to go according to plan.

After finishing up with the family, Riku transported the body back to Heath & Halloway. He made some of the necessary calls, including the one to request a death certificate. Afterwards, he busied himself with prepping the body for embalming. He needed to preserve the body right away since the family wanted there to be a viewing in addition to the funeral. He put on his scrubs and gathered his equipment, then brought the corpse out into the preparation room. Giving a once over of the body of the young man and noticing the scars on his wrists, it was obvious to Riku how he had died.

 _You must have been in so much pain..._ Riku thought as he began the prepping process. To suffer so much that death seemed like the only way to get rid of the hurt must have been agonizing. Riku, since Kairi's death, sometimes wondered if it was worth it, to end one's life. He had never been suicidal before, but he had become vaguely curious over the past few months. Would the suffering truly end? Or would the misery still linger, even in death? Would it be worth it to go through with it, if only to see dead loved ones again? Riku wondered. It was probably not a good thing to let suicide preoccupy his mind, but it was just another coping mechanism. In a way, it comforted him. He had fantasized one time about going through with it, and waiting on the other side would be his beloved. He never told anyone about the thought, because he knew his family would want to have him committed. He had eventually forced the thought to the back of his mind, but it still lingered. It would not leave him alone. Riku shook his head.

 _Don't think about it!_

Riku forced himself to forget again, focusing all of his attention on his task. For about four hours, Riku worked in silence. It took longer than usual to embalm the body because of the state it was in from the autopsy. He treated the body as gently as he could. He learned that over the past couple of years. Always treat the dead with reverence, because they were not just an empty vessel. To the deceased's loved ones, they were still their friend, their lover, their parent, their child. They wanted them treated with the same respect they deserved when they were alive. Riku made sure to do just that.

After he was done with his task, he stored the body away and proceeded to clean up. Then he disposed of his scrubs and washed his hands, all the while still having death on his mind. Not in the normal sense, however. Being a mortician, death entered his head constantly, so that was normally not a big deal. It was the thoughts that he was having at that moment that were not normal. Thoughts of self-immolation that still dominated his mind. He frowned. This was bad. These thoughts normally did not last. They were fleeting at best. But today they would not leave him be. They were all triggered the moment he laid eyes on the deceased teenager.

 _Come on, Riku. Get it together..._

He sighed and looked up through his silver bangs at the ceiling, with an irritated expression. He needed a distraction. Badly. He made his way back to his office and went about his business, filling out paper work and making more phone calls, but still the thoughts would not leave him. He caught himself thinking that it would be so easy to let himself get into an accident, or have a mishap with a knife or gun. After a few more hours of trying to keep the thoughts out of his head with no success, Riku was starting to feel a sense of dread. This was definitely _not_ good. The thoughts disturbed him, but he could not make them cease.

 _Maybe I should talk to someone..._

Riku checked off his options. He certainly could not tell his parents. They would surely want to take him to a hospital, and he did not want that, not when he had two funerals to direct this week. He could not talk to Leon, because he felt the elder brunet was still upset at him for sleeping with his sister. He could not talk to Yuffie, because she would just blame it on his profession. The fact that he chose to become a mortician still made her uncomfortable. He could not talk to Lea, because the fiery red head would just try to get him drunk. As much as that appealed to him, again, he was directing two funerals. He could not afford to be hung over while conducting his duties. He could maybe talk to Sora, but he did not want this best friend to freak out and start crying. He had already lost Kairi. Riku knew even the thought of losing him would send the younger man into a state of panic. There was only one person he felt he could talk to right now. The one person he knew that would not judge, or become upset, or try to put him in an inpatient program. He opened one of the drawers of his desk and pulled out his phone, pulling up his contacts and picking out the one he wanted to call. His heart started to beat faster and his hands trembled as he waited, every ring filling him with worry.

"What's up, Riku?"

He let out a breath of relief as Paine's familiar voice sounded in his ear. He ran a hand through his hair and sat back in his seat.

"Paine, h-hey...um..." Riku cleared his throat. His voice came out a little more shaky than he wanted it to.

"...Is something wrong? You sound weird."

"Um...do you think I can come over to your place after work? I-I need to talk to you..."

"Yeah, sure...are you okay?"

"No...I'm not..."

"What's wrong?"

"I'd rather not talk about it over the phone..." Riku bit his bottom lip. That feeling of dread was increasing with each minute, and it was scaring him.

"Okay...when are you gonna be here?"

"I have to make some more preparations for tomorrow..."

"...then you're heading over?"

Riku nodded, but then realized that Paine could not see him. He managed to croak out a "yeah". He felt a lump forming in his throat.

"Okay. Yuna and Rikku just left, so I'm here by myself. I'll see you in a bit."

"Thanks..."

Riku hung up, and let out a shaky breath. His whole body was trembling now, and his heart raced. He was so glad that he just had to fill out a few more documents and did not have to talk to anyone on the phone. He finished up his work, then let Braig know he was headed home with the promise he would be back tomorrow for the funeral of the young girl, the one who had cancer. It took all of his will to remain composed as he talked to his superior. All he wanted to do at that point was break down, maybe punch a wall or two. He quickly left the building and got into his car, then drove as fast as he could to Paine's apartment without going too far over the speed limits. All the while he felt an underlying sense of terror. He felt like the end was near and there was no way he could stop it. Parking in one of the visitor's spots, he practically sprinted up to her door. He knocked, quite loudly, several times and waited impatiently for his friend to answer.

"What the hell, Riku? Knocking like you're the fucking police..." Paine's door swung open and she stepped out with a very irked look on her face. She was just about to start berating him when she saw his expression. It was one of desperation and helplessness. Tears were brimming in his aquamarine eyes and his body still trembled. He was on the verge of hyperventilating.

"Riku..." Her irked look changed to one of extreme unease, "...are you okay...?"

Riku just shook his head. His head lowered and his broad shoulders slumped. A second later he was down on his knees in the doorway, sobbing uncontrollably. The thoughts in his head, the thoughts about suicide, were stronger than they had ever been in the past, and he was terrified. What had merely irritated him earlier was now torturing him. He just wanted them to stop. He felt Paine's hands on his shoulders, and he leaned in, wrapping his arms around her. She said nothing as he continued to cry, only holding him gently. It was a good ten minutes before he finally calmed down.

"What happened...?" Paine asked after a minute of silence.

"...I-I don't know...I just...kept thinking of...what it would be like to die..." Riku held Paine closer, "they won't go away..."

"The thoughts?"

He nodded. He pulled back, sitting down on the floor and wiping his eyes.

"Riku...? I have to ask...are you suicidal right now?"

Riku glanced up at her with a vulnerable expression.

"I-I don't know...I've never felt like this before..."

Paine pursed her lips. She furrowed her eyebrows, as if deep in thought.

"Come inside," She said. Riku stood up and Paine led him into the spacious apartment. She sat him down on the plush black couch and took a seat beside him.

"Tell me what happened."

Riku hesitated, thinking of what to say.

"...The body I worked on today...he was a teenager. He...he committed suicide, and...that got me thinking...what if I just...had an accident or something? Then the pain could stop...then I could be with her..."

Paine said nothing. She just placed a hand on his bicep and rubbed it in a comforting way.

"I'm broken, Paine...as long as Kairi's gone I'll never be whole..."

He leaned forward, placing his face in his hands.

"I miss her so much...I can't take it..."

He heard Paine sigh. She was quiet for a moment, and he did not want to end the silence by talking, for fear of breaking down again.

"...maybe you should take a break from work."

Riku shook his head. He sat back.

"I can't...not right now. I'm directing a funeral tomorrow and at the end of the week..."

There was no way he could bail on those commitments, even if he was suicidal. Not when people were counting on him.

"Then...I think you should really reconsider seeing a therapist for this, or something."

"Paine, no..."

"Riku."

Her voice took on an authoritative tone. Riku looked over at her. Her face was stern, and there was a hint of worry.

"You keep saying you don't need to talk to someone, but listen to yourself. You're having suicidal thoughts. Your depression...it's not getting better. It's getting worse."

Riku looked down. He did not know what to say in response, but he knew. She was right. He was still grieving as badly as the day Kairi died. If he was truly getting better, if he was truly learning to accept, he would not be having the thoughts he was having right now. He needed help...

"If you're scared, I can go with you...but I really think you need to talk to someone. The way that you're coping, it can't go on forever. It will just destroy you..."

Riku reached up to rub his temples. His head hurt. He said nothing for a short while.

"...Okay...I'll talk to someone..." He finally spoke, nodding his head.

"Promise?" She asked. He nodded his head again.

"I promise..."

"Thank you. I can give you the number of the place I go to."

Riku frowned. He said, "you see a therapist?"

"Yeah..." Paine gave him a humorless smile, "I have a psychologist and an ARNP that I go to for my clinical depression."

"I didn't know you had depression..." Riku's eyes widened. In the five years he had known her, she never once mentioned this to him. How did he not know? Why did she not tell him? Why did she not tell anyone?

"Yeah...I was diagnosed about six months ago. I told Kairi about it a month later. She was the only person I talked to about it..."

"Why didn't you say anything to us...?"

Paine shrugged. She said, "I was still trying to process it. I was learning to cope. Telling Kairi was my first step. Afterwards, I was going to tell everyone, but...then Kairi died. Everyone was devastated, and I didn't want to add to the grief by disclosing my disorder."

She smiled, and this time it was a bit more genuine.

"My pain is my pain. I'm learning to deal with it," She looked at him, studying him.

"...want a hug?" She held out her arms. Riku nodded, and leaned in. He laid his head on her chest, and she wrapped her arms around him, rubbing his back.

"You're gonna be okay..." She whispered. He let out a breath, and closed his eyes.

He sure hoped so.

o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o.o

To Be Continued.

* * *

 **Author's note:** So, as you can tell, this is not necessarily a "feel good" fan fiction. There is a lot of sorrow, a lot of drama, and a lot of pain. But worry not- I promise it will get better, eventually! Anyway, I just wanted to take the time to give you a little background information about the lives of some of the KH characters I decided to feature in this story. Here we go!

 _Riku_ age 22. Alive. Works as a mortician, and is on call 24 hours a day. Received his degree in mortuary science at the age of 20. Finished his apprenticeship at 21. Finds it ironic that he can work with dead bodies all day, yet cannot handle the death of his fiance, Kairi. Normally calm and level-headed, but because of his grieving, Riku's behavior and emotions are now a little more erratic.

 _Kairi_ age 21. Deceased. Was Riku's childhood friend, then eventually became his fiance. Worked as a registered nurse. Worked towards an A.A.S. degree in high school, and received her bachelor's degree at the age of 20. Was a kind hearted, compassionate, and strong willed young woman who loved Riku dearly.

 _Sora_ age 21. Alive. Riku's best friend. Like Kairi, he worked towards becoming a nurse in high school, and recieved his bachelor's degree at 20. He is an upbeat and positive young man who constantly worries about Riku since the death of Kairi.

 _Paine_ age 24. Alive. Leon's younger sister. A young and successful artist, Paine lives on her own in a quieter part of Light city. She has known with Riku for years, and has now, since Kairi's death, developed a "friends with benefits" relationship with him. She has suffered from depression for a while, but was not formally diagnosed until recently. Normally cool and collected, Paine does not show her emotions easily.

 _Lea_ age 22. Alive. A friend of Riku's from highschool. A wise cracking, fiery young man. Even though he does not seem like the type, he just received his bachelor's degree in psychology. Will soon continue his schooling for his master's degree.

 _Leon_ 26\. Alive. A friend of Riku's through Paine. Paine's older brother. Currently employed as a construction worker. Though he is worried about Riku, the two are currently going through a rough patch in their friendship because of Riku's relationship with his sister. He is often cool and collected, like his younger sibling, even seeming a little aloof at times.


End file.
